Five years ago I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was absolutely done having children. I knew that five children to raise alone was absolutely enough for me. Being a single mother is hard! I would NEVER trade the time that I have spent parenting alone; I’ve learned way more about myself, life, and parenting then any book could have ever taught me.
I was extremely hesitant to get into another relationship after rebuilding myself from an abusive relationship in the past. I refused to bring any man around my children; friend or not… I did not want to risk any kind of trauma for my kids or myself. Long story short, I fell absolutely in love with my best friend. He never once pushed for a relationship, respected the fact I wasn’t ready, he respected me not wanting anyone around my kiddos.. He respected me! He did not and does not look at my kids as a ‘package deal’ … he looks at them as a bonus..
Even with the ‘perfect’ relationship, I ‘knew’ I did not want any additional kiddos of my own. Pregnancy was hard on me in the past. I didn’t want to risk doing it alone. (Boy does the past haunt us sometimes) I did not want to raise another child alone and risk him leaving, the PTSD sure is hard to work through sometimes..
In late May, I was not feeling well. I decided to take a pregnancy test.. and to my disbelief.. It came back positive! I was in absolute SHOCK! Disbelief! I had about a week for it to really set in and I was finally accepting it. Before I knew it things started to take a turn for the worse. I ended up having a miscarriage and felt as if I didn’t tell anyone I could pretend that it never happened. Unfortunately, my emotions over took me and it hurt a lot more then I thought it would. I couldn’t just ‘forget’ that it happened and I often thought and wondered about the ‘what if’s’ ….
A couple very short months later, we became pregnant again… I was terrified. I did not want to admit it. I was so afraid of the outcome.. I got established with a midwife group and had just a couple of appointments before my anatomy scan. The ultrasound technician was great, however, I could tell something was a bit off..
We were asked to go into a room and have a video conference with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor. He then described somethings they found that were abnormal, but ultimately could be okay. We did additional testing, we had a lot of gray areas as to what/if anything could be wrong with our baby. As comfortable as I was getting with the new office, and absolutely excited with the special permission of a certain midwife going to be delivering the baby… I was called and informed that due to new policy the midwife group could no longer accept me as a patient. I was devastated.
At 27 weeks pregnant, I had no care provider. I struggled with finding someone that was willing to accept me so far along in the pregnancy. At 29 weeks, I was able to get in to see a new provider. The ultrasound came back so much better then the previous ones we had received. At 32 weeks, we had additional testing and some of the previous issues were a concern again. They had me start steroid injections to help the baby’s lungs in the event she is delivered early and scheduled three appointments a week.
The office that I am followed by is a great office with very skilled providers, some of the absolute best in the metro. The downfall: not seeing the same provider in the office more then once or twice, and having many providers in the office that I still have not seen…
With all of that said… it brings me to this….
It’s absolutely no secret that there has been a lot of talk among everyone regarding the Covid-19 pandemic. The disease is making people very sick and even taking countless lives. People have responded in ways that I for one never would have dreamed; from hoarding the toilet paper, licking deodorant to ‘spread the virus’ … People hoarding PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) and suddenly people that wanted to stay home before, are now very upset that they are asked to stay home… for the safety of themselves and others.
I work in the healthcare field and know first hand that this is real. We have shortages on essential PPE to protect not only the patients, but ourselves and our own families. Every day I go into work with the mindset that I can and will make a difference to someone. I put my heart into my job and give it my all, despite the chaos that is going on in the public, in my personal life, and in the media. The fear every night of what germs I may bring home to my family, or even that I may have encountered that could cause health issues to my own baby is real. The fear makes me cringe, pray, and sanitize as much as possible.
I want so badly to be super excited about being pregnant; the truth is, I am terrified! I am terrified of something happening to the baby. I am terrified that I won’t be able to keep her safe throughout this pandemic. I am terrified of so many things….
And now… of all times.. knowing I could deliver in a matter of days to a few short weeks, hospitals nationwide are forcing mothers to deliver their babies alone. Forcing the mothers to go through such an emotional and scary time… alone. I am absolutely terrified that will be the case when I deliver as well.
I was told at my last appointment that currently the visitor restrictions are one (the same) visitor throughout the entire stay, and that visitor must be over the age of 16. I was also told that if the numbers of Covid-19 cases continue to increase, they do expect there to be absolutely no visitors (No support person) aloud.
I do not say any of this to scare anyone. I want people to know that this is effecting more then people may realize.
I am afraid that mothers delivering alone could face higher postpartum depression chances. I am afraid that the attachment for the parents and the newborn may not be as strong as it could have been. I am afraid that the abuse rates for some women and children may be higher due to the man feeling so left out and not bonded with the child. I am afraid of there being a life threatening emergency and the mother not being able to make a decision and that decision being made with out a loved one near. I am afraid of there being a chance that a baby could be in distress and (god-forbid) the baby not being able to pull through and the father not being able to be there with his child and the mother of the baby. I am afraid that there will be higher surgery rates due to the mother not having the support from the loved one..
The reality is, I am terrified of delivering alone. I am terrified of something happening. I have no true connection and relationship with any of the providers. I am not familiar with the nurses on the OB floor, except for one nurse that works one shift a week.. I am terrified to deliver my baby..
When I say that being pregnant is hard, I mean that. When I say that being pregnant after a miscarriage is extremely hard, I mean that. When I say that being pregnant during this pandemic is something I could have never dreamed would be so terrifying… I mean that with all of my heart.
This is my reality of being pregnant during this pandemic…